Exclusive: Johnny Depp Wants To Work With You!

I’m not sure what the details are that led up to this incredible opportunity.

Maybe Mr. Depp’s entertainment lawyer saw your short film on Vimeo and passed it along with the latest deal memo. Maybe Mr. Depp was at his cousin Larry’s house in Boise, Idaho for Thanksgiving and Larry happened to be cruising your flickr stream.

Mr. Depp walked over to ask Larry where he keeps the plunger, “I mean, it’s not under the sink, man. It’s not behind the can. What gives? Are you some sort of weirdo, Larry?” Then Mr. Depp’s eyes were inexplicably drawn to that photo on the screen, YOUR photo of Aunt Millie at the pie eating contest, elbows deep in boysenberry crumble. It spoke to his lost inner child.

It doesn’t matter why, what matters is Johnny Depp, THE Johnny Depp wants to work with you! He wants to star in your short film or model for your next photo session. Wow! You lucky devil, you.

I bet you’re going to put a lot of work into thinking about what your photo/film is going to be about now. I mean, more thought and planning than you’ve ever put into anything you’ve ever done in your whole life! You’ll plan and plan and plan some more.

You’re probably going to ask friends for their help—run one hundred different ideas past your most trusted peers, whittle it down to the one that is the strongest, the most meaningful.

You’ll hire someone to do hair and make up. Sure it costs money, but this is too good an opportunity to just throw it away. A set stylist? Sure. That, too! Assistants. You’re not going to take any chances. You want to look and behave like a pro.

You’ll scour your town for the most striking location.

You’ll explain the idea to Mr. Depp, really make sure he gets it and is enthusiastic about the meaning you are trying to get across.

And when you’re ready to start shooting you’re going to pay extra special attention to all the details, to get it just perfect, but make sure to keep the environment open to unplanned creative opportunities that could take this whole shebang into the stratosphere of magnificence that has hereto-for never been reached by mankind—one which even angels dare not to dream.

Of course, Mr. Depp—or JJ as he likes me to call him—doesn’t really want to work with you. No offense. He has no idea who you are.

What? Why the crying? He is very busy. He can’t know everyone.

I have an idea that might make you feel better. You know what you can do? Think about all the things you would do different, the ways you would work harder, more thoughtfully if you did have the opportunity to work with someone of JJ’s caliber, and do those things for your next shoot. Treat your Aunt Millie with the respect she deserves, more than she deserves. Treat her like a star (because famous people deserve the most respect, followed by famous animals, then famous politicians, then lastly normal people) and work like it’s the greatest opportunity you’ve ever had. Take no shortcuts. I bet you’ll get pretty incredible results.

Maybe if you start approaching all your projects as if they were too good of an opportunity to waste you will start getting projects that are opportunities too good to waste. Maybe, just maybe, Mr. Depp might even see your work and want to work with you after all. But you better get cracking. Thanksgiving is just ten months away. By then Larry is almost sure to find where he put his plunger.


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  1. This post, this one right here, is the type of post that I have missed from months of Nice! absence (sp? absense? abcents? absenthe?). Keep it coming my good man.

  2. Thanks Tuffer. I’ve missed them, too. Plenty more to come.